Grab a cuppa and a quiet 5 minutes. Or 10 if you want to reflect a little on my words. I closed my eyes and said these words to myself – “As I Die” and what followed is this.
As I Die
Don’t tiptoe around
or busy yourself with tidying.
Don’t fuss or stress.
No need to constantly
straighten my bed.
Bake bread and cakes
And waft the scent
around the house.
Bring your baking into my room.
And eat.
And allow yourself to enjoy it
as we enjoyed eating cake together.
Enjoy it for me.
Put on some music
although not too loud
of bands I enjoy.
My love of music does not diminish
because I am dying.
Feel free to sing along
and if you wish
to dance too.
Sit by me with your cup of tea
or drink of choice
and just be yourself.
Talk to me
as you always talk to me.
No need to be serious or solemn.
Share funny stories
of recent times.
We can still laugh
and giggle together
as we always have.
Tell me what is happening
with the weather outside.
A topic we laugh at
and take for granted.
Yet,
it is something I can’t access right now.
Can you describe
what you see outside
even if I too can see it?
Without attaching your opinion to it?
The description is all I need.
Go outside – just for a moment
Experience it first hand
Feel the weather on your face
In your hair and on your body and clothes.
Then come inside
and describe what it felt like
in as much detail as you can.
For I miss those simple things.
Put your warm hand in mine.
Hold it gently.
I can feel the love
transmitted from your heart to mine
through this tender touch
of your hand.
It’s ok to brush the stray hairs
away from my face.
The feel of your fingers on my face
is a reminder
of tender, loving times.
Allow your fingers
to linger there.
Soothing.
Comforting.
Ask me how I am.
Ask me what it’s like to be dying.
Don’t project your fear
of my death onto me.
Don’t tell me how scary
it must be.
Don’t tell me how awful it is
Or assume I’m sad.
That may be how it is for you
but I may be experiencing it
differently.
Just look into my face,
and into my eyes.
Explore what is there.
See beyond my illness,
beyond my frail body.
See the person
me
inside.
And ask
“What matters most to you right now?”
And say my name too
“What matters most to you right now ……..?”
Make it personal.
As my body is fading
help me feel human and real.
And listen.
Your ears and heart are perfect for this.
They were made for this very moment.
Listen.
Not with the intent to reply
to understand
or wonder why.
But simply to hear.
I have few words left.
My voice is weakening.
Just listen intently
as if each word was my last.
Let my words touch your eardrums
as if wishing to leave an imprint.
Drink it all in.
The tone.
The whispers.
The sighs.
The movement of my mouth.
Don’t be tempted to fill in the blanks
or finish my sentences.
Don’t tell me that my answer
to your question
is wrong or misjudged.
Don’t tell me that other things
should matter more.
Don’t turn my words
into something they are not.
You don’t have to understand
or agree with my response.
Just listen.
Don’t push
your own ideas of death
onto me.
Let me have my own beliefs.
Let me own this experience.
For it is mine.
I will never get another.
You will get to experience your own
in time.
Don’t be tempted to relay death
stories of loved ones or friends.
Don’t take this experience away from me
to make it yours.
Just walk alongside me.
Walk me home.
And, if my words
are not forthcoming
Just listen with your heart.
To the moment.
To each moment.
To my breath.
To any crackles in my throat.
To the worldly sounds
that share in this moment.
Don’t say “I’m sorry”
Instead say “I love you”
Say “Thank you”
Share joyful or tender memories.
Relay stories of our times together.
Tell me that it’s ok
for me to leave when I am ready.
Don’t beg me to stay.
The parting will be so much harder.
Tell me you will be ok.
Tell me that you will
all look after each other.
Tell me that I will be ok.
That it is safe to go.
That I can take your love for me
for support and guidance.
And that the love that I have shared
in my lifetime
will remain forever
in the lives I have touched.
And when my eyes are closed
look into my heart
with yours.
And feel what is there.
These precious beats
of my heart
that is getting tired,
slowing.
And
when my heart stops
know that our bond
will remain.
That it has no borders
or edges.
In those moments
when my last breath
has left my lungs
linger by my side a little longer
as I transition
from this life.
And,
if there is anything you wish to say
that you couldn’t say
whilst I was living
say it now.
For the part of me
that remains in your heart
will hear those words.
And you will notice
a tiny flutter in your heart.
That is me.
Nancy Nudds 03/12/21
Rather then being a reflection of my own wishes (there are elements of them in there too) I wanted it to provoke thought and conversation. To weave in subtle layers touching different angles dying and death might be experienced. From the perspective of the person diagnosed with a terminal or life-shortening illness to that of their loved one/s who are supporting them and all the people who might come into contact with someone at the end of life.
A guide.
A support.
What also transpired was that it is also comforting to those who have cared for their loved one, family or friend at the end of life including those working in a health care setting.
However this “As I Die” lands with you please take what you need from it.
HELD 