Happy Birth-Day To The HELD

Four years ago today I completed my training as an End of Life Doula with the University of Vermont Starner College of Medicine and it’s had me reflecting on how these past 4 years have unfurled, memorable moments, how I’ve been touched by this work and where I’m at now.

Completing training and setting up during the first lockdown.

May 2020 The Holistic End of Life Doula (The HELD) is birthed.

Working on the bank of staff as a nursing auxiliary at my local hospices (both adult and children’s) during this very, very challenging time.

Weaving all of my skills into my doula role.

Meeting with family members to discuss, at their request, VSED (voluntary stop eating and drinking – which probably wouldn’t even need to be a thing if medical aid in dying was legal).

Seeing the dire need for decent, specialised care in the community at the end of life and stepping into that role to extend my services as a palliative and end of life PA so that people can have their wish to die at home fulfilled.

Navigating and learning of the various deficiencies and disjointedness within our current healthcare and care system,

Helping people complete their Advance Decisions, Advance Care Plans and Lasting Power of Attorney’s whilst they are still well AND in times of ill health.

Holding public workshops on how to “be” with and support people at the end of life.

Being present for lots of tears, laughter, anger, overwhelm, grief and love and everything in between.

I have visited funeral directors and green burial grounds.

Made my own burial shroud with advice from a funeral directors that I respect followed by the approval of The Natural Death Centre UK for listing my shrouds for others to purchase.

Served as a companion animal end of life doula.

I’ve witnessed my own triggers and weaknesses.

Reconfigured my own boundaries.

Have learnt that my own self care isn’t indulgence but vital to how I show up for others. For you.

Noticing that, within the end of life and, specifically, hospice and funeral services, there continues to be a lot of gatekeeping.

Where some are excited and welcoming to the presence of a doula and others feel threatened.

And that says so much more about their own insecurities than it does about us doulas.

St Christopher’s Hospice in London. worldwide trailblazers in palliative and end of life care recently advertised a salaried role for an End of Life Doula. It’s progressive and wonderful and I look forward to other hospices following their lead in the not-too-distant future.

Working on my latest project – Bringing Death To Life.

Walking alongside people who lean into it all and openly talk about death and dying to those at the other end of the scale who choose not to talk about such matters even in the process of dying.

Meeting people where they need to be and that might be different for each member of the family.

Listening.

Listening.

Listening.

Leaning in.

Witnessing breaths.

Witnessing life.

Witnessing death.

Witnessing sorrow.

Witnessing people fall apart and witnessing them picking up the pieces to carry on.

Witnessing such resilience.

Witnessing the uniqueness of each and every one.

Witnessing myself in highly charged environments, in profound moments, in the beauty and ugliness of it all and how I emerge knowing that I am still a student of it all.

How I emerge a slightly different person than I was before that encounter.

That death is the biggest teacher and holds the most wisdom.

Because we can never know all there is about life, death and everything that fills the space in between.

That, when I am “walking you home” I’m not necessarily talking about death being your final home or walking alongside you as you die even though that is exactly what it appears to be on the surface..

Or as you shift from the physical form that we know and love to universal matter that is more felt than seen.

The act of dying brings us home to our self like nothing I have ever witnessed before.

As death comes closer, the profoundness of life, the sanctity, the true essence of what is and is not important explodes and implodes into our awareness.

It invites us to unravel.

It invites us to shed layers of programming and conditioning.

To be curious.

Some resist it.

Some ride with it.

I am walking you home to your self.

The stripped back you.

The you that longs to be seen, heard, acknowledged, understood and loved.

The you that longs to forgive and be forgiven.

The you that wishes to find comfort with neither forgiving or being forgiven.

The you that longs to say the stuff that you’ve never got around to saying.

The you that seeks comfort when the opportunity to say these things to the important people in your life does not arise in the way you wished.

The you that wants to shout about the unfairness of it all and the you that is accepting and gracious of the life you have lived.

I walk alongside all of the emotions that arise and with the honesty that you seek.

I am walking you home to loving your self like you’ve never done before.

And those parts of you or your life that you can’t love?

Well, I am walking you home to acknowledging that and finding a way of being ok with not loving those parts.

Holding those parts of you with the tenderness you deserve.

Because when all the crap of life is set aside, cast away what is left is just the purest, unadulterated and complete you.

We don’t die perfect.

We die whole.

I will forever be deeply grateful for this training.

Not just for how it supports me in serving others as a doula but also for the richness it brings to my own life.

Getting intimate with dying and death, far from being morbid, defeatist, joy-depleting or whatever you might believe, is utterly life affirming, profound, enriching and heart-expansive.

I’ve come a long way since my first dive into end of life care in the early 1990’s. Both Quidenham Children’s Hospice and Rachel House in Scotland are intricately woven into the tapestry of my heart and soul.

And that, my friends, is a synopsis of my doula-ship so far.

It is ever evolving.

As am I.

What a gift it is to hold such open curiosity to the true mystery of it all and to be reminded how to live a life of richness, depth and meaning.

Thank you for being part of my continuing journey.

I am so grateful you are here and sharing it with me.

Nancy xx