Tag: life

Love is….

by This moment Matters, posted in Uncategorized

What love is in your presence at the bedside of the dying.

Love is in the moisturising of their dry lips.

The wipe of secretions from their mouth.

The tender washing with the softest of cloths of their face and hands.

The gentle brushing of their hair.

Love is in the sponge mouth swabs that ease the dryness.

Love is in the way your hands touch those of your dying loved one – the way you feel their knuckles and the soft bits of skin between the fingers, the caressing from the wrist to the fingertips and the stroking of the palm.

Love is holding back from touching when it cannot be tolerated despite your yearning to feel their skin against yours.

Love is in that gentle hand hold that ushers in a sense of support – I’m here with you.

It’s there when you lay your head next to theirs, close your eyes and just feel their presence.

Love is witnessing the difficult changes but staying there anyway.

It is being eaten up by grief as you watch your loved-one fade away ….. but staying there anyway.

It is getting up every day to care when your whole being is utterly exhausted.

Love is in your gaze as you look at their changing body yet remember times of vigour and youthful energy.

Love is listening to the rattling in their throat, the groans of discomfort and witnessing the wringing of hands without turning away.

It is turning towards their suffering and letting them know they are not alone.

Love is in the words that you share.

It’s in the conversations that you have even when there is no response.

It’s in your singing.

In your humming.

Love is in the reading aloud of their favourite books or poems.

Love is in the music that you play for them.

The music you know they enjoyed when they were full of vitality.

Or the music that you know brings them comfort.

Love is knowing what tv program or film to have on in the background.

Love is knowing when silence is necessary.

Love is in the soft kiss of the lips, cheek, forehead or hand.

It’s there as you linger in that kiss trying so hard to imprint this moment of tenderness into your memory.

It’s in your vulnerability that encompasses these very moments..

Love is in your sighs of grief.

In your gentle sobs of sorrow.

In your sense of relief that any suffering is coming to an end.

In your smiles too as you recall memorable times.

Love is in the shared air that you breathe.

Their final breaths become your first breaths in your ever-changed life.

And love is a deep understanding of how colossal these moments in time truly are.

With tenderness

Nancy ❤ xx

Grief Groceries

by This moment Matters, posted in Uncategorized

Grief groceries.

Earlier this week I popped out to pick up some grief groceries.

And, I’m likely to be doing another grief grocery shop in the coming days.

Now, you might be wondering what grief groceries are?

So let me share a little bit of wisdom from those grieving.

One of the many things that are said to a griever when their person has just died is “Let me know if you need anything” or “How can I help?”

But here’s the thing, when folks are grieving making decisions or even knowing what they want or need can be just far too difficult.

And this is where grief groceries comes in.

It’s not that they can’t get to the shops (some grievers are high functioning) and it’s not that they have nothing in the house.

But…

Changes in appetite are a universal component of grief, particularly in those early days.

People can lose their appetite completely or over-eat.

Keeping it simple can be helpful to the griever when the physical, mental and emotional capacity to cook diminshes.

So picking up some groceries, food that is easy to cook, some healthy goodies and practical stuff like tissues, lip balm (lips can dry and crack so easily when people are grieving, stressed and crying a lot), hand cream as a treat and for a special touch, a candle to light.

Perhaps add in a precooked home-made meal or two.

Let’s not forget some things they can snack on too and that might include some healthy and some not-so-healthy snacks.

Let us not judge their choices or impose on them what WE think they should be eating. In those early days of grief it is sometimes all a person can do to function.

If you are unable to get them any groceries how about a voucher for a takeaway that can be delivered direct to their door?

Grief groceries.

Just a little way of showing that we care at a time when we can feel so helpless.

With love

Nancy xx

Death has a habit of taking us by surprise.

by This moment Matters, posted in Uncategorized

Death has a habit of taking us by surprise.

We always think we have more time with those we care about than we really do.

Even when death is expected.

Even as our person has begun actively dying.

And the death of our loved-one almost always comes as a shock. It feels so sudden.

Again, even when it’s expected.

It’s a really strange scenario.

You know it’s coming.

You prepare yourself for it.

And yet, you are not ready for it when it does happen.

Sometimes, you sit by your person’s bedside for hours, you get up to go for a pee……..and death happens when you are out of the room.

No matter how much we prepare ourselves psychologically and emotionally nothing can fully prepare us for the finality of it.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that we are so far removed from death. Where once we were cared for at home within a community of support and helpers at the end of life whereas now we are carted off to be cared for by others. Hidden from sight of the community and those around us. As a result few get to befriend the intimacy of death.

Perhaps the shock is because this death is a stark reminder of our own mortality.

Or perhaps we are just not ready to release the spiritual and energetic ties that bind us. Similar to having the umbilical cord between mother and baby cut at birth, this invisible, yet tangible cord that connects us, sends a shockwave through all our systems when it is cut at the moment of death. Where, although this person is ever present in their love, our lives are forced to continue separate or independent of them.

Perhaps it’s a mixture of all the above?

This really, is a reminder, a call to action, to say the things you need to say whilst you can.

Go and visit and hold your person’s hand even if words fail you.

Because, quite often, that touch, that shared moment, says more than words can ever say.

Speak to them, through these words or touch, as if it’s the last time you will see them, because one day, it will be.

This moment really does matter.

With the tenderest of love and affection

Nancy 💚 xx

Tending To The Soul

by This moment Matters, posted in Uncategorized

When I think about how to describe my service as an end of life doula in as few words as possible these four words come as close as I can get – tending to the soul.

How that looked this week was listening to someone I’m walking alongside in their last few months who talked about their fears and regrets.

We began to unravel the fears of what dying might feel for him and discuss what might bring him comfort at that time. We discussed his end of life meds and symptom control.

And I gave him space and time to process and attend to those regrets with love without trying to reframe them, deny them or put a positive spin on them.

Sometimes, when tending to people, I notice so much the family member or friend (and sometimes even medical staff) “brushing off” when the one dying shares these innermost fears, concerns, regrets. As if they don’t matter. Or they say something to placate and the dying person feels unheard, goes quiet, shuts down.

This is the time that not only the body begins to unravel and start the process of transition but so too does the heart and mind.

Just as the body knows how to die so too the heart and soul knows what it needs to find peace at the end.

If only there are people there to tend to that part of us with attentiveness, gentleness and care.

I have witnessed the most steadfast and unmoveable characters reduced to tears because no-one has been heartfully there to bear witness to this process.

It takes skill.

And a ready heart.

To tend to the soul this way.

The term soul does not belong to the realms of religion but to many spiritual , philosophical, and mythological traditions.

Perhaps, consider that soul is simply love.

This is how the ancient texts from Bhagavad Gita describes the soul.

“The soul wears the body like a coat and discards it at the time of death.”

The religious texts of Bhagavad Gita, although based on Hinduism, are approachable and relatable to all of humanity regardless of whether one follows a religious ideology or not and is considered, by some, the epitome of all spiritual teachings.

Whether you believe in the soul or not, have a different name for it, believe it is part of who you are or only reflect on it when your life is coming to an end what I attend to most as a doula is your inner comfort.

Your innermost self.

The stuff that brings peace and comfort to your heart and mind.

Again, I invite you to consider that the soul is simply love.

And I attend to that love.

In many ways.

In many forms.

How would you want your love, your soul attended to as the end draws near?

With love as always

Nancy 💚 xx