One of the most difficult things a person might encounter as they support their person through terminal illness and dying are changes.
Changes to the physical body, the emotional state and sometimes the personality too.
Not everyone will experience such significant changes.
But some will.
When we look at the physical changes alone, it’s usually as a result of illness or treatment.
I’m not simply talking about the general bodily changes that we expect to see as a result of the active dying process but the changes as a result of the ravages of treatment such as chemo, surgery and steroids or as a result of the illness itself such as the swelling and yellowing of the skin through advanced liver disease or perhaps even sever weight loss.
The person may look almost unrecognisable from the person you know and remember.
It can be scary and painful to witness that change.
You may even feel that you cannot visit your loved-one anymore as it’s just too traumatic to see them like that – it doesn’t feel like it’s them in their skin anymore.
And that’s ok. It’s normal to feel saddened or distressed by the altered physical appearance of your loved one.
You may feel that your person has already gone.
But they have not.
They are still there.
Under that changed façade, the swelling or weight loss, the skin changes or hair loss, the noisy secretions in your persons
throat and drool on their pillow is the very person who you love so dearly.
When or if you find the courage to visit them know that it’s ok to feel uncomfortable and upset when you see the changes and, if you can, see beyond that outer physical body and look into the heart.
Your person is still there even when they look so very different or cannot communicate with you, recognise you or open their eyes.
They are still the essence of the person whom you loved before these physical changes occurred.
I invite you to touch their skin, hold their hand, stroke their face if it’s tolerable for your person and try to feel beyond the physical changes under your touch. Close your eyes if you feel that would be helpful. Their skin may be cooler, drier, more fragile to the touch, their hand unresponsive and yet, you can let your love be transmitted through that touch from your heart.
It will journey through the touch receptors in your loved-ones skin, and be fast-tracked to THEIR heart.
It can be difficult to know what to say when you feel confronted by these physical changes and yet, I invite you to speak tender words of love and gratitude, recalling fond memories and special moments.
Your person can still hear your words.
They know you are there and that is so very precious.
If this happens to your loved-one and you are struggling know that you are not alone.
Professionals such as myself or hospice can be there to support you.
Whether you decide to visit your loved-one or choose not to both are ok and you will be supported in your decision.
If you wish and are open to the idea, I or another person could relay your message of love to them or we could explore other avenues to transmit the tender love that you feel for them such as a video message, a letter, song, an item of your clothing or telephone call.
Love will find a way to reach them.
Nancy x
HELD 