“How d’ya think I feel!?” (emphasising the “I”).
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard this from either side of the relationship.
And the storm clouds gather.
Facing the end of your life after a terminal diagnosis is not easy.
Most terminal diagnosis or Life-shortening diagnosis are not short-lived illness’s but typically months and sometimes years. And it doesn’t necessarily get any easier over time if it is a long term illness such as MND, COPD, dementia or Parkinson’s.
In fact, living with the slow progression of an illness that erodes physical and mental health, independence and dignity over a period of years can be hugely difficult.
Equally, it can be incredibly difficult for the primary carer, often a partner, sibling, adult child or other family member. It can push a carer to breaking point many times. To support, to witness, to give up the life you knew or hoped for is incredibly difficult.
Even when it is done with the utmost love.
Relationships can get tense.
But here’s the thing – it’s not a competition of who has it worse.
Both are equally challenging, difficult and painful for very different reasons.
You each carry a burden.
The suffering of each of you can feel immense.
It is not easy to navigate this.
I’m not going to dress it up with niceties.
All we can do in these times of suffering is be compassionate to ourselves.
You are still husband, wife, daughter, son and you are you.
Don’t lose sight of yourself beyond the illness or caring role.
Each of you still has wants and needs independent of each other.
When you feel relationships getting fraught or, perhaps, resentment creeping in ask yourself – “what would love do here for me?”
Take a little time to sit and notice your breath – even if the only time you get is when you go to the bathroom or when your care-giver goes to the bathroom.
Remember – it is not a competition as to who is suffering most.
You are enough and you are loved.
Nancy xx
HELD 