carer – HELD

There’s a good chance that we will, at some point in our lives, become unpaid carers.

Parents, siblings, friends, partners, and, if you are very unlucky, children.

The scenarios I share below are ones I have witnessed across the board – from those caring for sick children at the hospice to those caring for a grandparent.

Or perhaps we might be supporting someone who is a carer.

Being a full-time carer for someone ill, frail or elderly is hard.

For you it may be an absolute labour of love and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Or it may have been thrust upon you by life circumstances.

Either way, it can be hard at times.

And I’m not going to dress it up in flowers and positive quotes.

What a disservice that would be to you.

You will stop sharing the realities, the truth of how it is for you because you will not feel heard.

You will think you are doing it wrong.

That your love isn’t strong enough for your person.

Or you will feel like a failure.

So let’s talk about this.

Many a times you will feel like you can’t breath.

The stress of being the provider, the person who needs to make all the decisions, of having to tend even when you feel your chest is about to explode from the anxiety and grief fermenting inside,

The stress of having to get up in the night when the exhaustion barely allows your body to function.

It takes over your emotions & the overwhelming guilt of wishing it was all over weighs heavy on your heart and mind.

But, each day you get up and you go through the motions of being a carer, of tending to your loved ones needs as best you can with what you have.

And with as much tenderness and love as you can muster.

But sometimes the reserves of those are low.

Or empty.

You try not to let the emotional turmoil show but sometimes it just spills over.

Sometimes as a trickle.

Sometimes as an explosion of explicit words.

Like a valve release.

For the pressure of having to put your own needs and your own life on hold.

You struggle through days, weeks and sometimes months hoping that it will get easier, that you will get used to this new way of living when in actual fact you find yourself losing a part of yourself and it crushes you.

You can’t see an end to it.

And then you can see an end to it and that is equally as excruciating.

Visitors come and visitors go.

Supporting carers come.

And go.

And you envy that they step out of the door and back to their own lives.

Carers –

I see you.

I hear you.

And know that, no matter how much you struggle, how hard it is for you, that is not a reflection of not loving enough or not being compassionate enough.

It is not.

With so much love to you

Nancy xx

“How d’ya think I feel!?” (emphasising the “I”).

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard this from either side of the relationship.

And the storm clouds gather.

Facing the end of your life after a terminal diagnosis is not easy.
Most terminal diagnosis or Life-shortening diagnosis are not short-lived illness’s but typically months and sometimes years. And it doesn’t necessarily get any easier over time if it is a long term illness such as MND, COPD, dementia or Parkinson’s.
In fact, living with the slow progression of an illness that erodes physical and mental health, independence and dignity over a period of years can be hugely difficult.
Equally, it can be incredibly difficult for the primary carer, often a partner, sibling, adult child or other family member. It can push a carer to breaking point many times. To support, to witness, to give up the life you knew or hoped for is incredibly difficult.
Even when it is done with the utmost love.
Relationships can get tense.

But here’s the thing – it’s not a competition of who has it worse.
Both are equally challenging, difficult and painful for very different reasons.
You each carry a burden.
The suffering of each of you can feel immense.

It is not easy to navigate this.
I’m not going to dress it up with niceties.
All we can do in these times of suffering is be compassionate to ourselves.
You are still husband, wife, daughter, son and you are you.
Don’t lose sight of yourself beyond the illness or caring role.
Each of you still has wants and needs independent of each other.
When you feel relationships getting fraught or, perhaps, resentment creeping in ask yourself – “what would love do here for me?”
Take a little time to sit and notice your breath – even if the only time you get is when you go to the bathroom or when your care-giver goes to the bathroom.
Remember – it is not a competition as to who is suffering most.
You are enough and you are loved.

Nancy xx

Tag: carer

When Caring Is Hard

It’s Not a Competition